The week I moved to Geneva, my family received some tough news…my mom's breast cancer returned.
Crushed with guilt, I spiraled.
You see, my love language is quality time.
I express my love by being present for others. During my mom's first cancer treatment, I was within reasonable flying distance and visited regularly. But with the Atlantic Ocean now separating us, that could no longer be the case.
As much as I wanted to support my mom, I had to face an uncomfortable truth.
I felt like a failure.
I had mistakenly linked my self-worth with my ability to give. Whenever I couldn't meet others' needs, I felt worthless. This distorted perception had a profound impact on every aspect of my life, including my role as a daughter, friend, and colleague. An even darker shadow emerged when I offered to come home, and my mom declined. I felt threatened if others didn't seem to want my help.
I don't think this pattern is uncommon.
Many leaders subscribe to being the "strong one," taking pride in being able to keep it together for themselves and others. But an over-identification with the role of the giver can quickly lead to a distorted perspective when we lose sight of our own needs and well-being.
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Here are three common pitfalls I’ve encountered in myself and others:
Boundaries: When we need to be needed, we attract peope who depend on us excessively. This creates an imbalanced dynamic where our boundaries become blurred. The constant pressure to fulfill others' needs feels overwhelming and prevents us from prioritizing our own well-being.
Expectations: When we offer support, but deep down, anticipate something in return - whether it be validation, recognition, or reciprocation for love. When our efforts aren’t met with the expected response, we can feel resentful, unappreciated, or even used.
Depletion: When we give relentlessly, even when we have nothing left to offer. We make the mistake of being so entrenched as caretakers that we neglect our own well-being.
Through my journey of learning the dance of giving and receiving, I've gained invaluable insights that might be helpful for you:
Objectivity: Just because I can help, doesn't mean I should automatically jump in. It's not solely my responsibility to take on everyone's needs. I now practice discernment, recognizing when it's appropriate to use my gifts and when I need to prioritize my well-being. This objectivity empowers me to make thoughtful decisions about how and when to offer support.
Worthiness: I've learned to embrace and nurture my inherent worth. I've come to recognize that my value as a person extends far beyond the act of giving. I no longer rely on giving to validate me. I am enough, just as I am. By releasing the need to always be needed, I attract individuals who genuinely value me. These connections are built on mutual respect, reciprocity, and a shared dedication to growth.
If you're curious about my mom, I'm happy to share that she's in good health.
I’ll admit as my parents grow older, I do have concerns how best to provide support, particularly from a distance. However, I've come to realize that prioritizing my own well-being and giving from a place of balance allows me to uplift both myself and my loved ones.
It serves as a genuine blueprint for healing and growth.
Should we work together?
Hi, I’m Tiffany May Yan Chan, and I work with extraordinary leaders on the spiritual path. When I’m not writing, I teach visionaries how to make wise decisions and take courageous action. If you’re interested, apply to work 1:1 and we’ll jump on a call and see if we’re a good fit.